Dear Eric: I tend not to tell people they hurt my feelings because it seems rude to critique. I am now in a situation that seems like a deal breaker.
A few weeks ago, I had lunch with a person I consider to be a very good friend. This is someone I see a few times each month and with whom I have traveled.
My friend was very excited about a new gourmet group they were forming — a rotating dinner party. I told my friend that the idea seemed fun, and I was interested.
The next time we met up, my friend raised the subject of the group once again. I was shocked and upset when I was told in a roundabout way that I would not be included.
My friend said, “I am going to be very selective about who I include because there are some people who seem to think parties are ‘the more the merrier’ and that is not the cultured event I want to host. The time you asked me to include your mother at Easter, my table was at its max capacity and crowded.”
I was shocked: My request was 10 years ago and was cheerfully accommodated. I would have stayed home with my mother had I been rebuffed. To have this held as a trespass on my part is very upsetting. Of course, I no longer wish to be considered for this “elite” group. Do I have a choice other than confronting this rudeness or abandoning the friendship? I can’t see one.
— Insulted Friend
Dear Friend: From where I’m sitting, this so-called very good friend seems like a bit of a jerk. First of all, bringing up a party that you’re not going to be invited to? Twice?
Secondly, holding on to a resentment about an overcrowded Easter table from a decade ago? I just don’t think so. One of the defining characteristics of the religious dinners and suppers celebrated around this time of year is a big, full table (and sometimes an Italian master painting the whole thing).
I see pettiness all over this and I don’t like it. But I don’t need to like it because this isn’t my friendship, it’s yours. So, you have to decide if your friendship is worth saving by speaking up or if you’d rather cut your losses and move on. If this person is, as you write, a very good friend, they should be able to listen when you tell them they hurt your feelings and they should be eager to make things right.
It’s important to note that telling people that they’ve hurt your feelings isn’t critique, it’s clear communication. It helps people be better friends to you. It is not always comfortable to do, but without communication, our friendships can become overrun by resentments. So, I’d encourage you to speak up, in this instance and any others down the line.
Dear Eric: I’m a 50-something woman living with my lovely (male) partner: we’ve been together for more than 15 years but never married. I had a first marriage to my teenage sweetheart which ended in divorce, something that was not only deeply painful to me but also to my conservative religious family. Mine was only the second divorce in our family.
I have kept my ex-husband’s surname as it was under that name that I established my career. I don’t think of it as his name but as mine: it’s a fairly common name so people have no reason to associate it with my ex. (e.g., if my parents & brother are the Browns, my partner is Mr. Gray and I’m Ms. Green.)
When my mother or brother write to me, they address the letters to Mrs. Green. I have not been Mrs. Green at home for more than 20 years and was always Ms. Green at work. I am not Mrs. Green. I am Ms. Green. Mostly it doesn’t bother me, I think that’s just them. And I don’t know how to raise it with them without opening old wounds. Do I continue to suck it up or do I say something. If so, what?
— Near Ms.
Dear Near Ms.: Even though your family took your divorce hard, I’m confident they can handle removing the “r” in your salutation without too much crisis. It’s an ink saver! A time hack! It frees up more Rs for people like me to use as first initials. And, most importantly, it’s your actual name.
Tell them you noticed the Mrs. on their last missive and that you missed the Ms. “I use Ms. instead of Mrs.; would you update your address book?” Hopefully, a gentle reminder will change the way they’re greeting you. If it doesn’t, they’re likely trying to send a message that you can feel free to return to sender.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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