Dear Dr. Jane,
I am in a loving relationship with my boyfriend of six years. We’re both mid-30s, in good shape and successful. Everything’s perfect except for sex.
At the beginning, the sex was great, but it’s completely off now. I want it, but he’s just not interested. He’s under a lot of stress, but the lack of sex has become really painful for me. I told my friend about this and she asked me if he was gay. I guess it’s a possibility, but I doubt it. I think he’s just not that into me. I teach yoga, run distance and have a slim build. Other guys hit on me all the time. Apparently, I’m attractive enough. I don’t know how to bring it up. We’ve had occasional conversations about it and it seems like talking about it just makes things worse. Can you help?
– Rejected in bed, in Charleston
Dear Rejected,
Desire discrepancy between lovers where the male partner has lower libido is very common. In my practice, I see many couples where the woman has a higher sex drive than her male partner. When men aren’t interested, their partners wonder what’s wrong. Often they blame themselves. Does their partner desire another person — either gay or straight? Is their sex unsatisfying? Why have things changed? They worry that their partner’s been watching porn or cheating in real life with someone else.
The most common reason that men stop being turned on with their partners (particularly during the earlier years of their relationship) is a fear of vulnerability and intimacy.
Tip #1: Get professional help
Your therapist or coach can help you take a look at what’s happening as an objective third party. Spoiler alert: There’s no magic bullet for this type of problem – nor is there for most sex issues. Usually, the answers lie in loving each other, letting go of expectations, being responsible for your own turn on, getting support if you’re triggered by traumatic events from the past and addressing communication and health related concerns. That said, it’s tough to take care of all those things without someone to motivate you, understand you and encourage you. Get professional help and see what happens.
Tip #2: Get specific information
It’s crucial to know what’s really going on. Start out by trying to figure out if there are specific health problems in the way. Things like hormone issues, cardiac concerns or diabetes can really impact libido. Is he overweight? Is he in good shape? Does he exercise regularly? Is he struggling with a painful injury to his back, knees or shoulders? What about his sexual practices? How often does he self-pleasure? Does he watch a lot of porn? Does he have an “addiction” to porn? Does he have specific sexual concerns such as generalized erectile dysfunction or early ejaculation? Does he get morning wood? How about his overall stress level? Is he depressed? Does he have ADHD or OCD? Does he need support for his mental health?
Tip #3: Get connected with each other (and off your phones)
Despite all the “connection” we supposedly experience these days, having internet-based relationships isn’t providing any of us with a real sense of community or personal intimacy. In fact, most studies show that we’re even more dissatisfied with our lives than we’ve ever been. This is true in our friendships and in our most intimate relationships. These relationships are often suffering because we’re distracted by our lives online.
To solve your sex problem, start by changing the way you both “do phone.” Sometimes it’s helpful to put the phones away at a certain time of night, sometimes it’s good to delete apps or change the coloration on your screen. Maybe even leave the phones somewhere outside the bedroom when you go to bed.
Whatever you decide to do, realize that if you’re like most couples, your phones are likely keeping you from connecting intimately. You can’t communicate properly with your phones constantly interrupting. This can be a relatively easy fix and it will help lots of areas in your life – not just in the bedroom.
You got this.
– Dr. Jane
Is she “wIthholding sex” or just taking good care of herself?
Dear Dr. Jane,
I love my boyfriend but we have problems in the bedroom. We met in college and have lived together since graduation in 2020. We love each other and get along great. The problem is that when we fight, I don’t feel like having sex. Every time this happens, he accuses me of “withholding sex” to manipulate him. He says I’m only doing it to get my way and control him.
During our fights, he says stuff that hurts my feelings. He says needs sex to feel loved because his love language is physical touch. I know that mine is words of affirmation so we’re kind of off on that. Sometimes, I give in and just have sex with him because I don’t want him to have an attitude even though it feels terrible and I’m not into it at all. When this happens he accuses me of shutting down to make the sex bad. I usually end up crying in the bathroom which I hate. I don’t want to be manipulative but I really don’t like sex when I’m not into it. What should I do?
– Don’t Touch Me when we’re fighting
Dear Don’t Touch Me,
First of all, let me say that I completely understand how you’re feeling. And, I completely support you in not having sex when you’re not into it. But, the problem you’re describing is also important to discuss. This type of conversation comes up in many relationships. One person desires sex when there’s conflict because it helps them feel closer during the repair period. The other partner wants to allow the conflict to settle and resolve it using other tools and hates the idea of sex when they don’t feel connected. You’re not alone.
Here’s what I suggest:
Tip #1: Don’t have sex when you’re not into it.
If you’re not feeling open to having sex, don’t do it. I say that with the caveat that if this is happening all the time or even very frequently, it’s indicative of a potential problem in your relationship. Many people don’t prioritize intimacy in their lives and relationships. You may be someone who’s not very sexual (or even asexual) and that’s OK. But, if your sexual openness to your partner is mismatched, address it. During times of conflict it makes sense that you’re not turned on. But how about the rest of the time? Are you often feeling turned off sexually? Challenging question: Could you be creating conflict to get out of having sex with your partner?
Tip #2: Try to get into it sooner rather than later.
Letting a conflict fester isn’t good for either of you. It’s definitely not good for your connection as partners. If you ask your grandparents, they would tell you that you shouldn’t go to bed mad. I’m not sure that’s essential, but I get their reasoning. I think it’s okay to “go to bed mad” as long as you return to the conflict fairly soon when you wake up — or during the next day. It’s understandable that you’re going to be angry and upset some of the time — you’re human! But do what you can to start having sex as soon as you feel open to it. It’s okay to start out slow. Do some easy kissing, spoon together, maybe exchange massages. There’s no rush, but make it a priority to reconnect.
Tip #3: Get help if you can’t resolve the conflict at hand.
Having conflict with your partner is a part of life. What do you argue about? Are you fighting about who spends money and why? Who does the chores or other house things? Drinking? Smoking? Hanging out with friends? Sex? It’s common to have communication problems about these types of things. Maybe it’s time to get help from a skilled relationship therapist or coach. It’s more than worth it to invest the time, energy and money on your relationship. The less conflict you have, the more open you’re going to feel in the bedroom. It’s a win-win for both of you.
You got this!
– Dr. Jane
Dr. Jane Guyn is a nationally recognized relationship coach based in Oregon. Her column appears online monthly.
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(Except for the headline, this story has not been edited by PostX News and is published from a syndicated feed.)
